Leaping To Conclusions - Predictions for Leap Year 2012

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After my resounding success predicting that 2011 would finally see the lingering and painful death of JavaScript, and that the interface of Windows 8 will consist solely of one large Flash animation, it's time to apply my unerringly accurate predictional capabilities to this squeaky clean New Year. So if you aren't quite sure what 2012 holds in store, read on...

  • January: Amazon will have learnt enough about your shopping habits to be able to deliver everything you need each Monday without you even having to place an order. Meanwhile, Google will know enough about you to open a browser with a list of all the web pages you'll need that day before you even get into the office in the morning.

  • February: The scientists at CERN will manage to isolate the Higgs boson, and discover that it is made up of millions of even smaller particles that are suspended in a previously unknown kind of ethereal soup. They'll call these particles "croutons."

  • March: The exponential growth in patent infringement claims against technology companies means that the world will run out of lawyers, and several Governments will be near bankrupted by the cost of training new ones and building hundreds of additional courthouses. Meanwhile, in the face of falling profit margins, Apple will more aggressively enforce its patent on the use of the lower-case letter "i". Ths s lkely to have a huge mpact on the documentaton and gudance provded by other technology companes.

  • April: During a clear out of a forgotten storeroom to digitize the books it contains, a dance instructor in Dublin will discover the long lost book "Irish Country Dancing - Part 2: The Arm Movements". Meanwhile, when Spring-cleaning the members' lounge at the Strasburg headquarters of the European Union, a cleaner will find the 1.3 trillion Euros they misplaced down the side of a sofa.

  • May: The Windows Azure team will stop changing the names of things and the URLs of their web pages long enough for us here at p&p to get at least one guide on Azure development out of the door with all the correct stuff in it.

  • June: Epson will release the first affordable 3D printer to the general public. After a few people buy one and start using it to make 3D printers, all of the printer manufacturers will go out of business.

  • July: Somebody will realize that you can make wind turbines spin by pumping electricity into them, turning them from generators into huge electric fans. The Government will take advantage of this to move Britain nearer to the US and away from the European Union geographically, even though it's not possible politically.

  • August: The new supercomputers at the Meteorological Office in London will make weather forecasting so accurate that that you'll be able to download a list of all the days that will be hot and sunny a year ahead. The Government will immediately introduce a new Sunny House Tax with charges based on a graduated scale, and higher rates for people who own garden chairs or a trampoline. For health and safety reasons, it will be illegal to go outside without an umbrella on days when it will rain.

  • September: Smartphones will have advanced so much that people will discover using Voice Over IP with apps such as Skype, Messenger, and Lync gives much better quality and reliability than ordinary phone calls; and manufacturers will reduce costs by removing the normal phone capabilities. The most desirable devices next Christmas will be the iCantphone 6 and the Windows Notaphone (with the Mango operating system replaced by the new Truly Universal Reliable Network IP Platform (Turnip) operating system). The downside will be when users get their first phone bill and discover that the telephone companies exorbitant data charges make calls more expensive than using the old-fashioned method.

  • October: Physicists in Italy will finally validate the unexpected results of recent experiments that suggest some types of particles can move faster than the speed of light. The McLaren Formula 1 team will use this material to build next year's car, but will be disqualified in the first race because the rules clearly state that all cars must abide by the laws of Special Relativity.

  • November: Users that rushed to adopt the latest generation of tablet and slate computers (known in the trade as "fondleslabs") will come to realize the severe shortcomings of limited battery life, a small screen, and lack of a proper keyboard and mouse. An enterprising peripherals manufacturer will release a new product aimed at just this market. It will consist of a large black box with a slot that accepts any model of tablet computer, has a built-in mains-driven power supply, and sockets on the back for the large screen (with integral adjustable stand), full-sized button-action keyboard, and six-button ergonomically-shaped mouse. It will be called "The Desktop Computer."

  • December: JavaScript will finally endure a lingering and painful death.

Happy New Year!

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Leaping To Conclusions - Predictions for Leap Year 2012