Dear Mr. Vaughn and Ms. Aniston,
I would like the $9.75 that I paid to watch the movie, "The Breakup", back, please. I haven't watched a more ridiculously riduculous movie in a riduculously long time.
I went to the 9.45pm showing of the movie, with a guy friend and a girl (space) friend, and the movie got done around midnight-ish. After the movie, I had to drive back home. And home is about 45 minutes away from where the theater is. There were about 36 instances during the drive back when I wanted to drive thru the center divide and kill myself, because of having watched your movie.
I came home and was so disgusted, after having watched your movie, that I instantly fell asleep. Only to find myself dreaming about men shooting each other in the head, and their bodiless heads wanting to poke each other's eyes out, which was funny, because the heads didn't have any limbs to use. If I wanted to watch people scream at each other like they were emotionally drained and needed to "break up" then I would've just visited one of my married-couple-friends.
Vince (I hope its ok I call you that), you're pretty funny. I'm sorry, you were pretty funny. What happened? I mean, what was that about? And Jennifer, I'm sorry, but you have enough money to not do anything ever again. So, please, why don't you start working on "not doing anything ever again". In fact, I think you'll probably get paid for "not doing anything ever again", because you were that bad in the movie.
The girl (space) friend we were with, thought the movie was 'ok'. I met another girl (space) friend recently, who also thought the movie was ok. I chatted with another girl (space) friend online, who thought the movie was beyond just 'ok'. The common theme between these girls was that they all felt they could 'relate' to Jennifer Aniston's character in the movie, and that they all felt they were underappreciated by their man at some point in time. Seriously, inherent bitch-slapping is in order for any guy who doesn't appreciate a woman for what she does for him, or for them, and vice-versa, right? And that's why you 'break up'. So, its all good. But, its definitely not worth making a movie about, and nothing in the movie warrants calling Vince Vaughn "comedy's best friend". Definitely not after that movie.
And, by the way, next time, you may want to hire a guy who's not high on coke to shoot your movie for you. Why, on earth, would you want to have non-stationary semi-realistic life-like cinematography for scenes in this movie? This wasn't a documentary (or was it because that would make a hell of a lot more sense now), nothing in the movie was so CSI-like gripping that warranted a non-still camera. And, for god's sake, this was supposed to be a chic-flick, what happened to the background score? The music was pathetic and a decent score would not have left me not wondering why there was what sounded like a goat in the theater (I swear, I heard a goat). Also, this whole "my fiancée's brother loves to serenade" is such overrated bullsh*t. I can't think why anyone would've found that whole segment even remotely funny.
Your movie has left me in a horrible disdaining state of mind, and I'm not sure if I can get over this. It'd be much appreciated if you could reimburse me my $9.75. You could paypal it to me at 'firstname.lastname@example.org'. I'm being nice and not having you reimburse me for mileage, gas, and irregular wear-and-tear costs of my car and my brain (coz, I did drive rather rash after watching the movie because I had this blistering headache and felt like I needed to consume copious amounts of vodka or any other potent alcohol for 48 consecutive hours just so that I would purposefully kill any brain cells that might make me remember this damning movie and would preemptively stop my body from regenerating new brain cells that could potentially have characteristics of these old brain cells that knew what the movie was about).
'Teh' ai has spoken. Hmph. Oh, and happy 4th of July.
Currently playing in my head : "The Sound of Silence", Simon & Garfunkel