On Love: View from the Chicken Coop

re: On Love: View from the Chicken Coop

Jacquelyn — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:47:20 GMT

"We claim we want diversity and then even MORE narrowly define the attributes necessary to be a woman in tech."

My pointer just keeps pointing to this.

Self-actualization, which for me really is the goal, is based on experiences and self-reflection- relationships often being a profound experience. And I am finding that a good partnership also provides me more resiliance and capacitance.

re: On Love: View from the Chicken Coop

Kathy Sierra — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 23:47:07 GMT

While I'm VERY encouraged by your post (and take on the topic), Betsy, this whole discussion going on is very disheartening. I've put it in the same category as the whole "women-need-to-be-more-aggressive-at-self-promotion" thing and all the endless debates on women in tech and the calls for women to become more "visible". It's the reason I'm rethinking the social media world right now.

I think we're doing a damaging disservice to young women by promoting this whole notion of mapping "greatness" to some exhausting level of "getting out there" that requires, of course, mass quantities of social networking, conference circuits, and high visibility. Because once you've made THAT leap, well then of course it's just a small hop to the "can't have a relationship" and "can't change the world without sacrificing your kids" conclusions. Wrong, illogical, awful.

This is, in my opinion, bulls***.

If I were just entering the tech world today -- as a woman -- and I believed these messages, they'd have surely sucked the joy and soul from it. I entered tech for the MOST important reason: I loved it. Not to "change the world", not to be famous, not to "achieve greatness", not to represent Women In Tech, not to be a role model. I did it because I love technology, and I love making things. And I believe it is in the context of doing what we truly love that we are best able to Make A Difference.

We claim we want diversity and then even MORE narrowly define the attributes necessary to be a woman in tech. You can't just be a woman, no you must also be an aggressive self-promoter, highly visible, a social networker, a role model for all women, interested in "greatness", motivated primarily by personal career success (while referring to it as "changing the world"), and of course -- as this discussion suggests -- willing to sacrifice love. This is so very sad. Sad because it's a self-centered, depressing bar we've set, but even MORE sad because it is simply not true.

OK, rant over :) In any case, I loved YOUR take on it!

re: On Love: View from the Chicken Coop

Tara Hunt — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:38:39 GMT

Great post and congrats! You found a man who is supportive of your career AND loves you like crazy. Color me envious! (but I know you deserve it!)

Ultimately, I'd choose that...I'd have both! But without any great prospects on the horizon, I'm super happy that I chose career/changing the world (plus a dog for the cuddles!). I really wish that more women would set their bar higher. In fact, there is this awful book out right now that promotes the idea that women should settle because, well, otherwise they are going to grow old and crotchedy alone (I'll find the title). Shudder! That's why so many women don't get the double choice - they have settled for a relationship that takes a great deal of time and energy to keep up, keeping them away from meaningful work.

Thanks for weighing in. Now I'm hoping that at 40 (approaching quickly), I will find the same balance of the two. :)

re: On Love: View from the Chicken Coop

Mona — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:03:16 GMT

Oh Betsy. Wow. I don't even know what to say or how to start. I don't even have the words -- or don't even know how to articulate everything that is going through my mind (and heart.) So the best thing to say is: thank you so much for sharing a different perspective. This post will forever be bookmarked in my browser, mind, and heart, as a reality check, that yes, it can work.

My heart is still smiling.