(Washington, DC) The USDA today announced the completion of a research program targetted at raising crop yields for lettuce growers, with the identification of a new technique. Paradoxically, it involves trimming off the growth of juvenile plants, in the hopes that the plant will respond to this injury by growing faster. For reasons that are not yet clearly understood, the technique isn't always successful, but when it does work, it's a tremendous re-leaf.

(sorry...)

(not really...)