OK, here we go, kids. Apprentice recap time! 

First off, after yesterdays realization of what “celebrity” means, I want to say a few words about karma. And I am directing this at you Mr. Trump: you get the celebrity participants that you deserve. Perhaps you should have been nicer to Martha. As for Rosie, I am going to give you a pass. There was definitely room for both of you to be obnoxious in that little tiff. Anyway, on with the show.

 

“A season of the Apprentice like never before”. Wow, the hyperbole starts early this time. Quel suprise! Haha: “fourteen of the world’s most successful celebrities”.  What? Suzanne Sommmers wasn’t a-vail? OK, they are playing up the fact that these people have success outside of their famous day jobs. Only I don’t believe it.

 

OK,  they are introducing the “celebs”. Ooh, that Piers dude (who dat?) called the Sopranos guy a “very fat Italian”. Get it right, Piers. He’s American. Gene Simmons….with the makeup, OK; without, not OK.  Yowza, Stephen Baldwin is an actor/author/entrepreneur.  Poetic license?  Think so. Jeez, I want this voiceover guy to introduce me. I would be fantastic. Ooh, and they intro Omarosa and then that Piers guy (who dat?) asks her what her name is. OK, I like him already. And that’s hard for me to admit. He says what we were thinking: “ I know you are a celebrity, but I’ve never heard of you”. Also, back at ya Piers.

 

Haha, Baldwin tries to calm the mobster down because they are in a place of business.  The only thing that would make it more ironic is if he actually acknowledges his crazy. No agents, managers, assistants. Man, they are going to get grouchy.  Especially if they are asked to leave their crazy at the door too.

Now they are talking about the charities and I think that I should mention something. I am recapping for fun and learning.  I have nothing negative to say about the charities so I am not going to say anything about them. Charities = good and let’s leave it at that.

So evidently the celebs have to be business smart and shameless in the leveraging of their personal “rolodexes” (do we really still call it that?). There’s a word for that kind of shamelessness. I might say it later when I can bury it deeper in a post. Whoah, Travis Tritt without his hat on.

Cue the theme song. Face shots of the trumpletts, who were not only noted on the website as Trump’s children but also his colleagues,as if one has nothing to do with the other.

NYC and foreboding music. Stock market…oops, technically the Merc. Trump engages in some quasi-celeb ego fluffery. OK, there is more plastic surgery here than you can shake a very sharp stick at. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; though I am not a fan of the lip action going on here. Much too puffy. Teams are male versus female, so that many of us can stereotype and say things out loud in front of the TV that will piss off our SOs. Pick team names and select a PM and Oh-norosa jumps in to stake her claim. I love the idea of her having the opportunity to get kicked off first. “Nobody likes you but me, Omarosa”. Sing it, Trump. She then calls the rest of the people losers in the same sentence that she is kissing Trump’s behind. What’s that word I was thinking of again? The gangster called her Ponderosa. Gee, this must have been taped before the writers’ strike.

Nely brought hats.  She’s “into branding”. That could work well at the Ponderosa, but the smell of synging flesh could be a distraction. And besides, what hat would go with that? Where’s Garth Brooks again? Oh crap, Omarosa is wearing a dress that I just bought at Macy’s. Hey, it was on sale. And it looks much better on me (meow). Omarosa kicks off with a little inanity and a “get with it”. Yay, seventies t-shirt slogans. You spoil me, O. They throw out ideas of names and the bunny asks if there’s a name of a powerful woman. Oooh, if I was more of a feminist, I would have somewhere to go with this (rhymes with “rich”) but I’m really not. Speaking of which, why didn’t O fix her hair color before the show? You are going to be on TV! And evidently, the center of attention amongst these celebs (the quotation marks are tiring around “celebs”….please know that it is said with irony, but if this season is like others, I’d like to save the keystrokes). The bunny is excited that people have ideas. Empresario.

Now the gents try to come up with a name and 2 sentences in, I am annoyed by the gangster. I’m sorry but that Tito guy is cute. Stephen wants Gene Simmons to come up with a name; what an unlikely alliance: “devil music” + religious guy.  Man, I hope I get some google hits on “devil music”. Piers' suit jacket? Much too tight. Put down the croissant or go shopping. There’s no excuse for ill-fitting clothes. You are British, for crying out loud! I think what they are looking for is Cerberus, not Hydra. Just sayin’. OK, interesting decision making dynamic. Instead of finding  another name that represents the intended meaning, they just change the meaning. The branding expert would shudder at this. “Wait, hydra means cuddly bunny in Portuguese? Everyone likes cuddly bunnies so let’s go with that!”

Back at the ladies’ crib, Omarosa again expresses her interest in being PM. And in something that looks like strategy but I’m sure is really just a coincidence, the others agree that she’s the best one for the job (but definitely not anything about the likelihood of her being booted first). And I am so excited that we are at the first commercial break because we are only 9 minutes in and I want to be so much farther along. Oh, sweet jebus, a 3 + minute commercial break. Thank you.

Conference room. Trumpletts. Marilu wonders  if Trump will be as mean to the celebs as he was to the ordinary people. Only if he has half a brain. OMG, little man Trump looks just like his pops, weird hair and all. Omarosa brings the snark against the Baldwin, who refers to her as ''delightful in a way that only a wry, squinty-eyed Baldwin spawn can.

Trump brings up the hotdog business in New York. OK, before I get into this, I should say that my pals know I have an aversion to pork stuffs. And if there’s any pork involved, I may have to avert my eyes. But I do loves me a good NY hotdog. So nothing wrong with this challenge.  Trump makes it clear that he wants them to leverage their celebrity to sell their hotdogs for over the going price (there’s a word for that). He brings up the fact that someone is going to get fired and it sounds even more appetizing than a loaded NY dog. Speaking of dogs, Trump throws them a bone by explaining the importance of location. Way to dumb it down, Donald. No this will not be like other Apprentices . This one has 50% more dumb.

The girls make fun of the boys’ name. Omarosa says they need a win because she doesn’t want to go into the boardroom. All the more reason for a loss in my mind.  NY native Carol Alt picks a location.  On the boys’s side,  if there was a challenge focused on redundancy, the men would have already won. Someone notes, “location is key” (ya think?).

Over at the girls’ crib, Omarosa doesn’t want to use celebrity to sell (there’s a word for that). Maybe because hers is limited. Her dress is fabulous though. The bunny wants to sell the sex, not the celebrity and Omarosa jumps down her throat. Perhaps she forgot already what Trump said about commodities (hello, there was a point to being at the merc). Sorry, but your basic hotdog is a commodity. You need to differentiate the product or the experience.  I’m not in marketing and even I know that much.  O pulls rank. Bunny don’t like O. “I’m glad you're picking up with I’m putting down” says O. Wow. Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? I think you can. Piers gets the concept of the commodity.

Gene Simmons gets on the phone and offers someone a charity hotdog for $5K. Now we’re cookin’! Ooh, Omarosa is going home (if the producers let the drama queen get bumped off this early). OK, I’ll concede that Gene Simmons is smart.  OK, I’m liking him more; getting the vision of him ogling people young enough to be his daughter at Kiss fan shows out of my mind.

O is still talking, all American, red/white/blue, blah, blah, blah. Pepole start giving the gals exgtra money for their hot dogs.  Uh-oh boys….see that?  Here comes the Trumposse. O tells the ladies to be “calm, cool and professional”…ah jeez. Blomberg is part of the posse. He referred to himself as a frank-o-phile (har har) and wants to know whether they can “cut the mustard”. Again, bringing the lines while the writers strike is going on! Bloomberg wants everyone to know that he is attracted to women.

At the boys stand there’s a bullhorn and a little Tito v. Lennox sparring which leads everyone to stand around and watch. Piers embarrasses someone who asks for change for his twenty. Hilarious. The guy walks away. Piers may lose on principal. Gene’s still trying to get his rich pals on the horn. And… scene! I’ve never been so excited to be almost half way.

Piers sells a dog for a hondo. And the dogs are flying off the cart.  It was a matter of time until someone got really cheesy and Baldwin chimes in with a “Team Hydra baby” and that shakka hand thing with his well ringed fingers. Some lady shows Gene Simmons her Kiss undies. Nice. Trumposse arrives at the boys’ cart.

Bloomberg does that “The question is is” thing that drives me nuts. Just one “is” per person, por favor. Throw in a “nother” and my head may explode. Everyone over-laughs at comments by the mayor and Trump (key to over-laughing: show your uvula).

At the girl cart, Tiffany isn’t looking enough like a Playmate to sell hot dogs. Ain’t that just like life? Why do the gals have names on their hats? Marilu starts calling her rich friends. John Travolta? Anyone? Someone gives them $5K for a water and they squeal like little girls. Jenna Jameson  (hello, google hits!) shows up at the boy cart and says that she is Tito’s g-friend. That makes sense to me now. Gene kinda pets some lady’s head. Suit boy shows up with ten Gs.  Is he twelve? His mom and dad are going to be pissed when they find out that money is missing. The guys are raking it in now. 

Jennie introduces David Wright from the Mets, who I could have passed in the street and not loked twice at. I’m learning so much. He buys out the cart because if you are going to donate a chunk of money, you may as well get some free PR with the baseball-ticket-buying people of New York (which crosses over heavily with the hot dog eating people of NY, so there you go). Whoah….wait: Carol Alt is wearing a stuffed bunny backpack. That is all kinds of wrong.

Wow, 35 minutes in and we are already on the boardroom. Whee! O says that they had a great plan and she forgets to mention that it was completely different than *her* plan. It was all Marilu and Kellie or Jennie or whatever her name is. Baldwin throws Jenna Jameson in there just so everyone knows that there is some hotness going on over on the boys’ side.

Little man Trump tells us that the gals sold roughly $17K. The boys start chattering like little girls. Ivanka says the guys made $52K and the look on Omarosa’s face is worth at least that much.  Trump notes that the men used celerity and location better. Baldwin gives credit where it’s due: Gene Simmons.  T asks the guys who is the weakest lady and Piers brings it: Amarosa.  They bicker and it’s hot. Little man Trump dings O on not leveraging the female hotness on the team (there’s a word for that).  I bet he has a bunch of experience using money to get hot chicks but not the other way around. Just saying.

All the cash goes to Baldwin’s charity because he’s the winning PM. That’s how Trump is going to roll this season.  Trump lets us know that the guys can watch the gals board room from their war room. Oh sweet buttery jebus. Yes!

O was disappointed in some members but likes Marilu. She thought Nely did a good job on the “technical side” and frankly Marilu + Nely sound like the project manager and Omarosa, not so much. O doesn’t like the bunny and refers to her as a “great commodity”. There’s a word for that. In the war room, Gene Simmons refers to Omarosa as a kaka-roach. Zing! Trump does mention that the bunny isn’t all over-the-top bunny. Ivanka notes that their uniform was bugly and I agree. It was all Omarosa’s doing. Nely supports Omarosa. Girl, please don’t do that. The guys are loving watching this and say that Tiffany is “toast”. Carol Alt loses it a little bit on Omarosa. Trump didn’t like Alt’s location. O picks Carol and Tiffany as her 2 people.

Piers notes the advantage of not ripping each other apart in front of the other team. Apprentice ad for the website including Trump’s blog. <sigh>

Back in the boardroom, Omarosa’s dress…wow! I don’t even know what to say! Bad, very bad.

Carol makes the point that Omarosa’s style didn’t really allow for anyone else to assert themselves.  Trump notes that Tiffany looks freaked out. And I have to wonder how Tiffany got on this show…I mean the success part outside of the bunniness. Trump still doesn’t understand why Tiff didn’t call the Hef.  Trump tries to get Carol to say she hates Omarosa. He’s going to milk it for all it’s worth. He asks Omarosa who he should fire and she picks Carol (crazy and really transparent-like).  Trump fires Tiffany for not picking Hefs pocket. Yeah, you saw that right. The playboy bunny got kicked off for not being enough of an opportunist. Unbelieveble in the bigger picture but when it comes to this task, I can almost understand. Still, would rather have seen Trump boot Omarosa, especially as she walks into the gals’ crib with an “I’m baaaaack!”. Ew.

Next week, Gene Simmons insults Ivanka. Must See TV!