Terry Zink's Cyber Security Blog

Discussing Internet security in (mostly) plain English

A trip to Spamatopia, Part 4

A trip to Spamatopia, Part 4

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Getting back to my story about my adventure in Spamatopia (it's taking longer to tell the story than it ever did to experience it), I had just left the city of Burstenrise in the district (state? province?) of Pumpenstach.  I headed east again to the land of Fauxpharm.  Of course, just like the trip from Virus Valley, along the highways there were lots of abandoned cars.  Why would anyone just leave them there, I thought?

The highways in Fauxpharm and Pumpenstach contain lots of other drivers and they drive mindlessly.  It's like motorists get in their cars and forget to do anything other than steer and push the pedal down.  No speeding up or slowing down when the speed limit changes, no changing lanes, no signalling, no acknowledging other drivers when I want to change lanes or merge into traffic... it's like they are a bunch of drones.

Anyways, I entered Fauxpharm and it was like entering a completely different country.  Apparently the people there spoke English but I couldn't understand a word anybody said, it was like they were speaking an incomprehensible language that was totally foreign to me (and I am fluent in over six million forms of communication).  If you've ever seen the movie "The Waterboy", if you remember that one coach who spoke and mumbled his words and nobody knew what he was saying, that's exactly what it was like.

I drove into the city of Viatrimdia; at least, that is what I think the name of it was.  It said something like Welcome to V*4tr1m,^d|.A, and even the Welcome word was heavily obfuscated.  The signs on the stores were heavily obfuscated and it was impossible to read half of them.  The locals were no help, they mumbled, slurred or babbled their speech such that even the greatest interpreter in the United Nations would have had no chance at all.

By this point I was getting a little hungry so I decided to go up to a street vendor and buy a hot dog and a bag of potato chips (also known as crisps... if you happen to be British).  I asked for the hot dog and chips and the vendor replied with some incomprehensible babble.  Rather than speak louder, I pointed to the sign on the front of his cart as it had a picture on it.  He nodded his head in understanding, or so it would seem.  He handed me the bag of chips first, but when I opened it, inside were a bunch of plastic potato chips!  Chips, indeed.  Quite clearly this guy ripped me off by advertising one thing but giving me another. 

I then asked for my hot dog but he just stared blankly at me.  I pointed to the sign (I had already paid for my goods) but he didn't seem to understand.  I shouted at him this time because at this point I was getting very upset.  We started to get into an argument and after about 10 minutes I finally figured out that this guy was not going to give me anything.  He simply pocketed my money after pulling a bait and switch.

I stormed away from there but I realized that I was hardly inexcusable in this situation.  Seriously, what did I expect buying something from a vendor that clearly wasn't legitimate with misspelled words all over his advertising in a land where people are not noted for their integrity?  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had to be a complete doofus for ever expecting to get the actual goods I paid for from somebody in the land of Spamtopia.

I headed back to my rental car and decided to leave.  I was disliking Spamatopia more and more the longer I was there.

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