Continuing on from my previous story (most parts of which are embellished for creative license... including this one), I had reached the top of the Great Wall of China. Myself and a friend I met on my trip were hot, sweaty and a little tired, but we had made it. I didn't expect to expend so much exercise this early in the trip. Did you ever notice that whenever you go on vacation, you exercise more often than at home? I sure notice that because I walk everywhere while on vacation, whereas at home I have access to a vehicle so I can drive to most places.
I put my bag down and looked around. From the top of the Wall, it was a nice view. I could see for quite some distance. I took a few pictures and put my camera down on the side of the Wall. It slipped out of my hand and started to clatter to the ground but I got lucky -- it landed in a pile of dust. "Whew," I said, "I'd hate to lose my camera." There was nobody up at the top other than my friend and myself. "We'd better head back soon," I said.
"Okay," said my friend. I motioned for him to go on ahead because I wanted to snap a few more photos. "I'll catch up, just wait at the bottom and I'll climb down." He disappeared from my sight. I decided to lean over the Wall and take in the view. Just then I heard some footsteps behind me, and I assumed that it was my friend. I should have turned on my paranoia detector and taken a look around, but I didn't. I suddenly felt a very sharp pain in my hip, like somebody had hit it with a sledge hammer.
"Argh!" I yelled. "What the--!?!" I spun around quickly to see what was going on. I turned expecting to see a bird or something that had flown into my hip, or maybe a brick that had fallen (from the sky?) to hit me. But I saw something I had never expected. It was some guy, about six feet tall, 175 pounds, Caucasian, just staring at me. In his hands were what looked like a metal pole, it appeared to be a broomstick with the head removed as I saw that tossed in the corner was a the head of a broom. I assumed that he had taken it off and had hit me with it in the side of hip.
I glanced him over. I didn't recognize him at all and couldn't figure out why this interloper had attacked me in this way. An evil smile spread over his lips. "What's the matter?" he growled. "Don't know who I am?" He swung back and prepared to take another swing at me. He then released his swing and aimed it straight at me, but I had seen the move coming and had taken a few steps back and jutted by stomach back, just missing it by inches. I looked at him again.
"What are you doing?" I gasped. My hip was still sore and I was hobbling a little bit. He swung at me again, this time attempting to take out my feet. I saw the move coming and jumped up. Pain stung through my hip all the down to my toes but I once again dodged the shot that was intended to do me harm. He then pulled back jabbed it at me but I stepped to the side and tried to kick the pole from his hands. I missed and just ended up shoving my foot through some empty air. He pulled back again and hit me in the hip that he had previously hit before. I yelped out in pain, involuntarily.
He then pulled back and hit me with the pole again in the ribs. But this time I was ready for it. I absorbed the blow and caught the pole between my rib cage and my arm. I glared at him, getting ready to fight back. "Fine," I whispered. "Let's do this."
He then grabbed by the shoulder and pulled me in close to him where I got a good look (which didn't help because I still don't know who he is). Like I said, he was tall, Caucasian, 175 pounds, a small scar under his eye with dark hair, and straight teeth. "You think you can prevent me from making a living? You're proud of that? It's people like you who interfere with legitimate people like me! Now you're going to pay!"
Wait a second, I thought. People like me? Stopping people like you? But I am a laissez-faire capitalist! How could that be? Unless... "Wait a second," I demanded. "Are you a spammer? Do you read my blog?" It made sense; we were in China and spammers are the only one whose business I interfere with. Of course, by no means are they legitimate business people but I didn't have the time to engage in a gentlemanly debate with this guy. He didn't look like he was interested in engaging in rational discussion.
He glared at me, and I had my answer. This was a spammer who was now going to deliver me the payback for all the billions and billions of spam messages I had blocked over the years. He sure looked angry about it. He also probably didn't appreciate how I refer to him as the scum of the internet, right on my home page. He pulled me forward and then shoved me back down to the ground. I was now in for the fight of my life whether I liked it or not.
Aw, boo. I thought this was going to be a real thing that happened.
The real part of the story is that I visited the Great Wall, and it was a hot day that day. The rest of it is inspired by folklore!
I couldn't resist.
The man who has climbed the Great Wall is a true man.