Terry Zink: Security Talk

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Stories from China - part 4

Stories from China - part 4

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(Note to readers: Most parts of this story have been made up for creative license).

Continuing on from my previous story, I had taken a trip to China and had gone to the Great Wall where a spammer had confronted me.  He was very angry that I had gone to great lengths to stop his products from reaching customer inboxes, and now he was planning to do me in.

The spammer had confronted me.  He was holding a metal pole in his hand and had hit me multiple times, twice in my hip and a few times in my shoulder and ribs.  "C0m3 h3r3!" he shouted as we swung towards me one more time.

I dodged out of the way and ran about 10 feet away.  I looked for a weapon but didn't spot any.  "You won't get away with this," I said to him.  "If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you imagine!"

"I'm taking you all down one by one and stealing your business cards as trophies," the spammer arrogantly smiled at me.  "Al Iverson, J.D. Falk, Richi Jennings... I've defeated them all!"  He then reached into his pocket and produced three business cards, all belonging to those three valiant anti-spam crusaders.  He then proceeded to whip them like ninja stars at me. 

I saw the cards whirling towards me in slow motion.  I could see the slipstream that the cards made as they sliced through the air.  Just as they reached me, I leaned backwards 90 degrees such that my body was parallel to the ground as it made a right angle to my knees.  I spun out one arm behind my head as one card zipped by, I flung out my other arm as a second one flew by.  I turned slightly again as the third card whizzed by me, but I wasn't quite as lucky.  It caught me slightly and gave me a painful paper cut on my upper arm.  When the cards had passed me, I pivoted and stood upright again, facing the spammer.

He glared at me and sp!t on the ground (the Chinese have this gross habit of spitting on the street -- that's one part I am not making up).  "M0rtg@gage th1s!" he shouted and he lunged at me.  He pulled the pole behind him as he planned to strike me with the full brunt of all of his force.

Now, I don't know if any of you know this, but when you go to China and are being attacked by a notorious spammer, you somehow gain the ability to fight like the characters from the video game Street Fighter II.  At least I somehow managed to gain that ability.  I saw him coming towards me and out of no where, I pulled back my arms and thrust them forward together shouting "Ha-do-ken!"  A fireball erupted from my palms and caught the spammer in mid-air.  He took the brunt of it full force and it sent him flying backwards.  He landed on his back with a grunt.

He wiped his brow and looked up at me.  He was obviously caught unaware by my abilities (spam fighters have super powers; he clearly didn't do all his research before deciding to attack me.  I guess his university degree in anti-anti-spamming was worthless).  He got to his feet when I went on the offensive.  "It's people like you who make people like me hate people like you!" I shouted.  I jumped up and did a rotating kick in the air wherein I reach a certain height, travel horizontally while maintaining that same vertical height, and rotate three times with my leg extended.  I managed to connect all three times and sent him flying again.  This time, he lost his metal pole as it went flying to the side.

The spammer was aching now.  He was clearly off balance.  He should have pumped-and-dumped some stock, cashed in and taken a trip to a warm, Caribbean climate instead of following me here to the land of bulletproof hosting.  I walked up to him when he caught me off-balance.  I was going to give him a shot in the ribs as payback, but he spun around on the ground and tripped me up.  I fell to the ground with a thud.  He instantly leapt to his feet and grabbed the metal pole.  I managed to stagger up, but I had landed hard on my lower back and was feeling the ill effects.  I was leaning up against the side of the wall when I looked over at the spammer.  He was grinning.  He had grabbed that stupid metal pole and I could tell he was planning on finishing me off for good.

He began to monologue.  "You can't win, you know," he sneered.  "You block me once?  I try again.  You block me again?  I try again!  I have armies and armies of botnets!  My costs are near zero!  Nobody ever comes after me!  Your law enforcement officials have no jurisdiction where I am!"

"Your overconfidence is your weakness," I uttered.

"Your faith in your abilities yours," he growled back.  "You cannot touch me.  No matter what you do, I will always be back.  Even my web pages cannot be shut down.  I have bullet proof hosting, complaints to my hosting company will be ignored!  I am untouchable!"  He then glared into my eyes and stole a phrase that I invented on my blog a while ago to refer to spammers who hide within good reputations.  He grinned and said "I have diplomatic immunity!"

With then, he charged back and prepared to swing at me when I acted. Just as he reached back, I grabbed a pile of sand from the corner where I was leaning.  With only a half second to spare before contact, I threw it into his eyes.  He staggered backwards, temporarily stunned.  I then jumped towards him and placed my two hands on his shoulders, one foot on his hip bone and the other on his thigh.  I leaned backwards with all me might and the two of us together fell backwards onto my back.  We did a somersault, and then when I was on my back again, I pushed up with both legs with every ounce of fiber of my strength.  I kicked straight upwards.

His eyes went wide.  I shoved upwards and sent him sailing but the momentum also carried him forwards.  He completely cleared the side of the Great Wall of China and he disappeared from my sight.  I sprung to my feet, got up, and looked over.  I saw him hit the ground 50 feet below and start rolling down the hill.  He rolled down... down... down... until he disappeared from my sight.

I watched for a couple of seconds more.  I then stepped back and said to myself "It's just been revoked."

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  • > "I'm taking you all down one by one and stealing

    > your business cards as trophies," the spammer

    > arrogantly smiled at me.  "Al Iverson, J.D. Falk,

    > Richi Jennings... I've defeated them all!"

    Don't worry guys, I managed to avenge you.

  • I know my blog needs some dust blowing off the cobwebs, but...

    Reports of my death, etc., etc. ;-)

  • Oh, you must be unaware that such really happens... now I understand why you're writing something like "Do I even bother trying to save the world?".

    Though, China is really a good place to inhabit.

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