One Louder

Enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?

HeatherLeigh — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:51:00 GMT

OMG...you like Paris? I do too! You like books? I do too!

For real? Please. No.

Ooh, I love Chicago, but...

HeatherLeigh — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:57:00 GMT

this truly tests my trust in engineering.

Preparations to throw-up have begun from 1500 miles away.

More pics here.

Ethical yoga: lead with your gut.

HeatherLeigh — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Here is a FastCompany article regarding thinking versus feeling decision-making when it comes to ethical choices. Of course, the "gut" isn't enough to actually make those decisions, but it certainly should be a filter through which to decide if you even will consider going there. What may have gotten us to this economic situation is a number of brains that do really convincing gut imitations.

As you gather for your awkward family 4th of July

HeatherLeigh — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:40:00 GMT

You know, Aunt Ruth always brings the fruit salad with the marshmallows. And that don't float in Seattle. And Jimmy tinkles in the pool. Cousin Lisa brings a new boyfriend and everyone calls him by the name of the old boyfriend.

Anyway, as you gather for your awkward family 4th of July, remember that it could be *more* awkward. And it could be caught on film.

Counter intuitively, working from home is for the extroverts

HeatherLeigh — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 17:55:00 GMT

While I am not particularly surprised by this report, showing that the most effective home-workers are the extroverts, I do feel kind of validated by it. Or at least, I can stop asking myself "what is wrong with me that I *need* to go into the office?"

Just to be clear, and I have a feeling that some of you won't believe me, I am an introvert. I am so totally an introvert. Frankly, the conversation in my head both keeps me amused and annoys me. Sometimes I remember a conversation I have had and then I remember that it was a virtual conversation...with myself. For you extroverts out there, I'm guessing that you actually rely on other people for those conversations. People need both a mental life and a physical life, but I can probably go longer than most being alone. But when I need social interaction, I need it. And I do. Need it. Sometimes. Too much and I withdraw, too little and I seek it out. Yin...yang. Balance is good.

So I wouldn't say that the working from home thing doesn't work for me, but I can only do it so much. And I have enjoyed coming into the office recently, despite the fact that there are moving boxes all around (we are moving into a swanky new building next week...more on that in the near future).

So, this report shows what I suspected: the chatty, extroverted folks do better at home than I do (the queen of email and IM). For me, it's not as much of a productivity issue as it is about being happy in my own head...which will lead me to a separate topic (for a separate post) about whether or not what you see of the blogger is the person. I say no, but I'll share more on why. So, can you assume that what you see in writing = what you would see in person in a relationship (work or otherwise), conversation, etc. Does a blog "conversation" replace an in-person conversation? Does a post here and there represent a life? Does bringing the snark on the blog mean I can't turn it off? Does over-thinking topics on the blog mean I do the same in real-life? OK, I actually do that last one.

But anyway...

Mourning and compartmentalization (AKA life and how to live it)

HeatherLeigh — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:07:00 GMT

I didn't intend to get up on a day I am taking off from work, and write on the subject of death. But my monkey mind is spinning around some things I find curious and if I am going to relax today, I need to let my brain have it's way with them and then let them go.

First things first. This is all about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. If the discussion of them as humans with faults will make you cry, this is not the blog post for you (or maybe it is). Because they really are interesting subjects, from an objective standpoint. And I am very interested, now that I have social media pretty much tattooed to the inside of my eyelids, on what we do with celebrities and how much harder we make it for ourselves to get along in life. And I want to talk about the difference between "compartmentalizing" and seeing the whole person. And I am not trying to pick on people's reaction as much as I want to pull them apart and ask "why do we do this?". I'm going to just start writing and we'll see if I can tie all of this together at the end. Uh-huh, wish me luck on that.

I remember either writing or saying in the past that I am OK with not liking people. I think it's healthy. And by "not liking" I mean, that you don't enjoy being around that person and/or who you show up as around that person; it's unpleasant. It's a reaction, not a condemnation. There's this whole "trying to get along" thing, which I am definitely OK with (especially on a professional setting bc work is work). But I have noticed that we put so much emphasis on understanding others so that we can convince ourselves that we like that other person. And I am just OK with 1) understanding them but 2) still not liking parts of them and 3) getting done what needs to get done by making the emotional part irrelevant. It's human. We can't all be assimilated into a mundane blob of everyone-liking-everyone. You run into people in life that you have to "work with" whether it is a professional or personal situation and you just make it work out. Focus on the work, do what you say you are going to do. So you aren't going to hang out for fun. That is OK. At least it's OK with me. Maybe you r mind will change, maybe it won't, but it doesn't have to. I don't want someone to have to fake liking me in their personal time. I'd rather not waste my time either. And why are we so judgmental of the internal act of not liking someone? Examining when and why you don't like people is actually a window to your self (especially that darned ego that keeps getting you into trouble). I learn a lot from the people that I don't like. And please don't think that this is some new campaign or anything for me. This is just how I am trying to live. I'm no expert. I think we treat dislike as a negative emotion unless we all agree. Can't we dislike some things about people, not need to assume that those things are all that there is to this person, and just decide whether those things are the kinds of things we want to be around? Not wanting to be around someone does not make them bad, everyone has their flaws. We choose what we want to be surrounded with and we don't need to condemn ourselves or others because not all of our feelings about people are positive. Seems pretty straight-forward to me, in theory.

I see disliking things in others as a natural part of relating. I hate to do do this, but I am going to quote a Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney song: "there is good and bad in everyone." But for whatever reason, our society does not have the ability to nimbly deal with both sides at the same time. Maybe it's a type of media ADD. We see a "person" without seeing the mosaic that makes up that person: good and bad things that have happened to them, how the world has reacted to them and the good and bad things that they have done, and some things that they have done that really need no label as good or bad, they just are. So when we seek to determine whether we "like" or "dislike" someone, we either clamp onto the things we see about them that are positive or negative based on our own value system (either/or). So we make that person either good or bad in our minds. It allows us to be very critical and self-righteous, building up our own ego, and it also leads us to a lot of disappointment when we accidentally hooked our buggy up to the wrong horse. And our rigid views are compounding our media obsession. We want to see the bad fail, we want to see the good prevail. We want to see the bad change to good and then we can move that person out of the "bad" column and into the "good" column. Or condemn people with "I always knew there was something wrong with that person." Think about Alec Baldwin. The divorce, that voice mail, 30 Rock and those Hulu ads. Hey, it's all the same guy! People are going to get whiplash trying to put that guy into a column..back and forth. Oh crap, he did something "bad" again. Now who gets to take his spot on the "good" side? It's all a game of blame, judgment, binary thinking and self-righteousness. Nobody gets to have a bad day in public. And it's really hard not to do it.

So aside from the "good" versus "bad" compartmentalizing, there's the put it in a box and deal with it later kind. This actually might not be compartmentalizing at all but both kinds have to do with putting people or stuff into boxes. I'm wondering if my feelings on this have to do with my obsessive need to organize or the fact that I tend to delay thinking through painful things, storing them away (very neatly, I might add) so I can bring them out all at the same time when they will really hurt. Other people might want to put that stuff in the attic to write it off, never to deal with it again. They are both destructive patterns but I'm going to focus on what happens when we can only hold one judgment (good or bad) in our minds at a time and decide not to deal with anything that contradicts our feelings about that person at that moment. Our view is overly simple so we don't have to feel or think too hard.

So I get the all people = good + bad, though I kind of reject an objective universal value system. I've blogged before that it irks me when we refer to people or companies (cough, cough) as "evil". First of all, which "all-knowing genius" out there gets to set the rules? Second, I know I have had bad days and if that was all someone had to go on, I could be seen as "bad" or "evil" myself. Third, we think that all we know of some people is what they do and I believe that what you do is not who you are, or as people far wiser than me have said: You are not your thoughts. Geez, those "wise people" are extra-forgiving! Good thing for me.

"Wise people"...another binary distinction we make. Maybe your "wise people" are the ones whose teachings match your own value system, maybe you are influenced by who the media and culture says are wise. Those wise people have flaws too. I recently posted on my facebook page that I was reading Carl Jung's biography. I really wanted to find out how his philosophies were influenced by his own experiences. Someone on my facebook page told me that I shouldn't read that, and with some judgment, that I should read Kant. He didn't like what Jung had to say, therefore I should not explore it or his complex life. I wanted to see the good and the bad, the mosaic of the whole person. Either good OR bad, wise OR unwise. It must be really hard to keep score. It's easier if we acknowledge that we are all complex and not force ourselves or others to to put a round peg in a square hole. We are all far too round for those righteous holes that we nave made so square. All I want is a world full of custom-designed people shaped holes so that we all get to be seen and remembered in full. I find the pegs much more interesting anyway.

OK, cool...this is leading me back to the MJ, Farrah thing (phew). As I have said before, I am trying not to watch as much news as before because it was making me super sad. I tuned in for much of the Iran coverage, because I think it is important. But honestly, I can't believe how much the media has to chew on some things, giving a false sense of importance because they can (H1N1, anyone? Oink.). Anyhoo, I found out about Farrah and MJ via Facebook. I am not proud.So I actually decided to seek out a little media coverage to find out what happened. And what occurred to me is that we almost pre-canonize people on their death beds. The photos that appear next to the MJ story: Old Michael. The Farrah coverage: lots of adoration but limited commentary on the plastic surgery that the media deemed as bad and that nutty visit to David Letterman. Flip/flop. Flip/flop. Are we apologizing for the past judgment of these people? Is revisionism more comfortable for us when we have to put someone in the ground so we can get our sadness on? We bury the icon and not the person. We bury the "Beat it" and not the face mask, the Angel and not the lip injections. The "good" and not the "bad". We can't acknowledge the inconsistent feelings we have about our celebrities because the bad stuff makes us feel "icky". And it happened long enough ago that the timing of the actual death works in the person's "favor" when it comes to how they will be judged (or not). And we only want to say good-bye to the good stuff. We've compartmentalized but we only want to deal with the pretty box, bid it farewell.

What I am hoping to see is a view of the person without judgment, just a retrospective of their lives without the stamp of "good" or "bad". Just what happened. And consider that we really didn't know them at all, but can still appreciate some of the things that we enjoyed about them. I can generally find some compassion (or at least I try very hard to) for people regardless of the things we have decided are "bad". Was MJ guilty of the things he was charged with? We don't know so why judge? So he did some things that we think of as unorthodox. So? Maybe we think there is something "wrong" with Farrah because of some erratic behavior. Ever have an erratic day? Me too. Ever wanted to do something to slow down the aging process? I am also guilty. Ever find Ryan O'Neill oddly cute but want to poke him with a sharp stick? Oh, that's just me and Farrah? :)

What's wrong with us that we need to acknowledge and mourn only a part of a person? It sounds a little undignified to me. Do we all get this treatment when we die? Is there something too painful or complicated about seeing the whole person because then we have to acknowledge that we have all done things that may have caused people to put us in the "bad" category and all we (our egos) really want to be seen as is "good".

I'm not just an observer, I'm part of the experiment. This isn't a soapbox. I'm just trying to map out my view of life and how to live it and I can't help but to draw distinctions between how it is and how I wish it was. So this is just how I see it, and I fall into the same traps as everyone else. So while this post is part observation, and part cranial relief on a day off from work, it's also a reminder to myself. It's OK to dislike (things in people) because disliking (things in people) does not make them "bad' (a judgment none of us are qualified to make on the limited evidence we have anyway). When you see people in their whole, life becomes more forgiving and a much more comfortable place to be.

I'd be interested in hearing other peoples' thoughts and whether you have noticed any of these things, if you can either add more color to my thesis or have a different way to think about things.

I may or may not be dealing ahead of time with my treatment in death as part of my mid-life crisis. Cabana boys did not come up one single time.

On that note, my monkey mind is going shopping.

The secret ingredient in Pepsi is happy. Shhhh.

HeatherLeigh — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:47:00 GMT

I flew into Dallas on Tuesday and yesterday gave a presentation at PepsiCo's Talent Acquisition Meeting. It was one of those presentations where I've been talking for 5 minutes and then I get the signal that I only have 5 minutes left and I have no idea how I did. On this trip I also premedicated with Sudafed and Flonase so I may or not have been speaking faster than normal...or maybe slower? I don't know. Anyway, it was a good trip. And hopefully, after my presentation. there are some PepsiCo folks looking at this post.

To my regulars, I have to report that I did not see any "big hair". In the meeting room, my hair may have been the biggest (oh, durn you Texas humidity), but I tried to keep it under control. OK, I admit it, I am a big hair girl. Not helmety, but crazy and curly. It's easier to go with it than to fight it. But I didn't want to scare anyone. I forgot to pack a comb, and would you believe it didn't matter anyway?

We went to a Frisco Rough Riders Game the night I got there and I was really impressed with how sweet everyone from Pepsi is; bubbly even! Seriosuly...bubbly! And it did make me think that it's something in the soda.They are really eager and interested in learning and growing as an organization. That's really energizing to everyone around!

You know how, there are times in your professional career, no matter how junior or senior you are, where something changes and you are challenged to think differently, try new things? In those times, I take lots of notes and do lots of thinking and then not long after something becomes really clear to me; something that I am going to try or look into more deeply. Those are the times where I am most excited about my career and I'd like to think that they resulted in the kind of work that got me where I am; at home in my PJs catching up on mail? No, no, doing the kind of work that I really get excited about and it's my whole job, not just a side project. I actually remember when I figured it out; I was doing some side work during a slow period when I realized that the programs stuff I was doing wasn't just fun for me, it was the right thing for the company.It made sense and we needed this. I still love my job, what can I say?

Anyway, if I could offer some modest words of wisdom to the Pepsi folks just based on my own experiences. You saw a lot of new things in Dallas (I only saw a fraction of it). You may go back to your desk and feel overwhelmed; you are still processing the week you just had, pulling crumpled up boarding passes out of your bag (sound familiar Microsofties?). I'd say to pick one thing (just one) that you are going to try and make your own. Look at your strengths and pick the something that speaks to you. Then be fearless and rock it out.

If there are any potential Pepsi bloggers out there that want to ask me a question, feel free to do it here (fearless, remember?). I had a great time talking to all of you. And I still can't get this out of my head: "He's not just the AV-guy, he's our VP!" That was awesome, Paul. Thanks for the hospitality and active engagement, everyone!

Sometimes fear is good, especially when it's on the other guy

HeatherLeigh — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:17:00 GMT

I really try not to be a Microsoft wonk. I try! Regular readers can attest to the fact that I am pretty product-agnostic up in here. This blog is certainly not a vehicle to market Microsoft's products. And I never consult PR. But. I have to admit that I'm really loving what is going on with Bing. Love it!

The cherry on the launch cake is this. We have a lot of market space to catch up. I know that. But watching the Bing development team pull it together with a "pow!" is gratifying. And the marketing team too. <golf clap> Really.

The idea of Sergey gripped with fear makes me chuckle a little tiny bit. Bad for my karma? Maybe. Ungoogly? For sure. But I never aspired to googliness (a word? really?). What can I say? I have my fair share of competitiveness; or as I will now refer to it "Microsoftiness".

Advertising suckage

HeatherLeigh — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:57:00 GMT

I love True Blood (the HBO series for you noobs). The advertising they did (advertising in the form of faux advertising posing as advertising....oh, just click the link already) is horrendous. Here's the thing with a clever concept (which I think this was...pretty clever at least): crappy execution is just going to undo all that clever juju you had built up. These faux ads themselves are more corny than clever. They would totally not fly today, even if the undead were among us. The undead would certainly require more witty, fresher ad copy. The vampires may have come from the past but they walk among us now. They have seen better. Boo to whichever ad weenies did this. Boo!

I do like the NZ ad, unrelated to the launch stuff. But it's hard to watch something that could have been so good go so wrong. And this is the concept for my first vampire-inspired country tune.

Things to like about jury duty...

HeatherLeigh — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Free bus ticket.

That is all.

Classic weenie

HeatherLeigh — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 04:31:00 GMT

Occasionally, I am reminded of this memo. One of the best memos I have read. And coincidentally (synchronistically, perhaps), I had a guest speaker throw me a t-shirt in a presentation today and I left it there. Not only because I am not an XL (I could have made pillows out of that thing...several), but because I have fashion sense. And because long ago, after the novelty of branded t-shirt wore off (perhaps 6 months after I started here and I started giving a while the several I had stacked in my closet...back then, the concept of "more" was still resonating with me), I stopped picking up t-shirts when offered. I am more of a sticker gal so I can use them to graffiti up my laptop (trust me, nobody gets my used laptops, I use them until they die (and sometimes that happens with a cute little puff of smoke from a foul smell emitting motherboard....how's that for n-1?). And I had a conversation today that involved the utterance of the word deeply meaningful across the Microsoft campus (if you have been here for some length of time): "towels". Oh, gawd, the towels.

Here I go with the cosmic messaging thing again. In one day, I have a meeting about sending out an RFI for services ($$), I have a t-shirt tossed my way and we plan reservations for a team dinner (which interestingly serves shrimp but no weenies) and sits over a restaurant that serves weenies and no shrimp. 10-4, message received.

Yesterday (was it yesterday?) , I'm getting those "you can have it all" messages. I just watched "Tori and Dean" (don't judge, I want her to be my friend and I want my own "gay posse"!) and the whole episode was about her finding difficulty striking a balance between her role as mother and her work. Interesting. Something discreet sent me over the edge about that topic yesterday. Gotcha universe. I'll be paying more attention to improving my life outside of work. Cuz lawd knows, the work side of the equation, well, my cup overfloweth.

And the speaker we had today talked about creating life rules. And I was just worrying about the fact that I'm low on blog fodder, mostly because I find very few things interesting when work is humming. Anyhoo, what I get from this (and tell me if you would draw the same conclusion) is that I need to create my own life rules, not just for work (where I am pretty consistently n-1), but also in my personal life. Even if I have to date some weenies.

Wait, what?

The myth of "having it all"

HeatherLeigh — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:22:00 GMT

I really hate that phrase. When have you heard an in-depth conversation about men "having it all". And so to the person that coined that phrase: either you said it in the fifties or you are kind of a jerk. Because that little phrase has made countless women feel either completely exhausted and spent, or feel like a failure. Or both.

I was thinking about this because things are really hopping at work. And my work-life balance sometimes comes in spurts. So it balances over the long term, but over the short term? Not so much. I am not complaining. I love the work. I've signed up for this and busy is good for me.

(As I write this, "Today plans a wedding" is on my TV. Wait a second...<click>. Much better now!

But when I get busy like this, grocery shopping and laundry are some of the the first things to go. I start chipping away at my day schedule so I don't have to sacrifice sleep. Have you seen me on less than 9 hours sleep? Not pretty, my friends. Other times, the workouts go, but I can't bear to do it now since I am kind of on a roll. We will call that my "release". So dinners are purchased or come out of the microwave. I listen to my friends swimming next door and I have to decline an invitation to join them.

So I am supposed to feel like a failure because I don't have time to "never, ever,ever, ever let you forget you're a man"? And pop a tuna casserole and jello mold into the oven. Don't tell me jello molds don't go into the oven...it's a joke. I don't have time for jello molds but I know where they go. First the refrigerator, then on the table so everyone can stare at it like it came from outer space, then the garbage, where it leaks out of that tiny hole in the bottom and when you have to clean it up, you swear to never, ever ever, ever, ever make that crap again.

I know I have blogged about this before. I know. I am just done done with this yet. It's just that setting priorities during particularly busy times...well, mine are just outside of conventional wisdom, and I refuse to apologize for it or decide that I am a failure. So all the people that tell me "You might change your mind" when I tell them that I don't want babies, I'm not hearing you. And all those commercials where mom is cooking dinner but never dad, bite me. And let's just decide to coin the phrase "soccer dad" so the men don't get a raw deal either (though they have not taken the brunt of the misogyny, because anything they do outside of work makes them a "great guy" and women are criticized for choosing work over family).

"Having it all" is a recipe for self-criticism. I don't want "it all.". My "all" is sometimes work and sometimes laying on the beach with a cabana boy serving me cocktails. I get to pick my "all." And life is a zero sum game. To add something is to take something away. And my somethings are my choice. And I don't give a rip what "they" say.

And I'm ticked at myself for thinking yesterday, "why am I finding it so hard to pull all of this off?" because the only person's judgment that I should be concerned about is my own. And I have decided to "have all I want."

(And I am not entirely sure that I have finished blogging about this and feel free to assume that it's because I am having a mid-life crisis because you are likely not entirely wrong. Any time I mention a cabana boy, you can assume something is up.)

Creating my own synchronicity

HeatherLeigh — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:49:00 GMT

OK, OK. I know I haven't been showing my face much around here. Super busy and totally into what I am working on. If I told you what it is, I'd have to kill you; which I am OK with but I don't know where you live :) <cue rim shot>

And maybe I am just a tiny bit distracted by the weather. I guess that if we are all going to die from global warming, we should enjoy our descent into obliteration. Is it OK to enjoy it if you truly have been working on your footprint? Probably not. Because I was all nuts and berries when I was younger and now I am a responsible, grown up homeowner who does care very much how her lawn looks. My internal dialog on this topic is messy. You would not want to be in my head. and that's not really what I am writing this post about.

I am involved in a training cohort and we have really long, fascinating discussions about things related to psychology and life. Last week we talked about synchronicity (which was cool because that article on "just in time" versus "just in case" was still bobbing about in my noggin and it kind of fit right in here). Because synchronicity rules in the JIT lifestyle and I want to live in that happy world with 85% less anxiety. Seriously, it says that on the label.

Have you ever noticed those moments when the thing that you really needed to happen happens with absolutely no prompting by you? For example, I am planning my friends birthday celebration from girls mani/pedi for 8 to a nice dinner out. And we are barbecuing tonight on top of it all so the littles can join the celebration for their mom and I absolutely need to make cupcakes. And while my friend is used to and really OK with the cake stuff that comes out of the box, that is not how auntie Heather rolls. And my schedule today was all nutty and let me just add that I have been not so good at planing my time lately. And like magic, the two appointments I had this morning were rescheduled at the request of the other party and magically, my cupcake time creates itself. I did nothing and when I needed that time, there it was. The theory is that when this kind of thing happens more times than coincidence would allow for, there's something else there. And we discussed whether it is possible to create an environment where synchronous events are more likely to occur. and if you can, what those environmental factors are. Because I am thinking that a petri dish full of that auger (sp?) stuff sitting in a warm room won't work. I can't get ahold of the synchronicity juju to put it in the dish. Slippery sucker.

As with many other things, I don't need to know how it works, just what the inputs are. I am a master compartmentalizer and have totally skipped the angst about evolution versus creation, both of which need explanation. And how our molecules came to be and how you get something from nothingness. Yeah, that stuff is just not important to me. All that is important is "Here, I am. Let's make the best of it!"

So I am trying to analyze what has been causing my synchronicity lately. And all I can come up with is that I am open to it, which really defies explanation. And I don't care, because right now, all that matters is workin' it and I am totally open to the possibilities.

Yoohoo! Synchronicity! <waves> Here I am! You were looking for me, right?

Oh don't worry. There's a limitless supply, so you can get yours too.

Only in the Pacific Northwest...

HeatherLeigh — Tue, 19 May 2009 23:14:00 GMT

You walk into the restroom, see the shoes under the stall and actually have to question whether you walked into the wrong restroom. Consider crouching on the seat to hide your shoes and wait until the coast is clear to leave. Oh wait...no urinals. Phew.

No you di'int, Dell

HeatherLeigh — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:53:00 GMT

I can't believe they have gone there. Or rather here.

Gee, I want a light computer that I can carry in a pretty bag. And I want to meet with my friends and we can all bring our fruity-colored laptops and look at Jessica Simpson's fat picture. Whee! And I need a "life organizer" because..oh wait, what was I just saying? I forget. And I want fashion advice from the people that make my pretty mini computer. This is really beyond the pale.

Seriously, I cannot believe that I am seeing this. Hey Dell, how about acknowledging the diversity of you customer base on your site. Because this fluffy, dumbed-down interpretation of what you think women want makes me sick to my tea drinkin', yoga stretchin' stomach. This is what you think women want? Oh, I am about to get angry right now. I can't be funny right now. I am cheesed off.

Over and out.