2006 Microsoft Company Picnic, Honey did you pack the confirmation email?
Fellow Microsoft Employees (and anyone else who shares my love of the Dilbertesque absurditities of corporate life):
If you’re planning to go to the MSPicnic this weekend, PRINT YOUR PICNIC CONFIRMATION EMAIL NOW!
The MSPicnic Miscalculation
The 2006 Microsoft Company Picnic team presumed that we would actually read the confirmation emailsss they sent us. It's okay, I didn't read them either, initially. Furthermore, they assumed that by merely bolding a paragraph in a long and redundanttt email, we would pay attention to it; us and 40,000+ other email overloaded MS FTEs. Again, it's okay. I didn't notice it either until...
My Accidental Discovery
Only by happenstance did I read the aforementioned redundanttt confirmation emailsss. Only by accident did I see the inconspicuously bolded paragraph. And finally, only by momentary and insolent repudiation of the pressure to conform to a Zero Email Bounce meme that’s working its way around Microsoft did I decide to read the aforementioned second paragraph. Only then did I notice that it was bolded, for a reason. For the record and thanks to Jenny Craig, I am down to 207 from 1483.
The Unintended Consequences of Email Exhaustion
Scenario: you drive your children for 1-1/2 through traffic and in 90 degree heat (+/-36C, I think), sans A/C, to your company picnic. You present your company badge for entry. It is a SmartCard. It has your picture on it. You registered for the picnic beforehand, online. But you ignored the multiple confirmation emails that followed. Your manager is unknowingly happy you didn’t waste your time reading those emails! The vendors at the entry gate to your company picnic ask you for a printed confirmation email. You have none. You did not know that such would be necessary. They turn you away. Your children cry. Your wife or husband blame you for the oversight. You try to explain. H/she accuse you of shifting blame and lack of accountability. Pshaw!
My Plea for an Explanation
Why, oh why dear 2006 MSPicnic Team, must I bring a printed copy of your blasted confirmation email to the MSPicnic this year? I beg you, explain! Assuming you do not respond…
My Theories
(ranked in decreasing order of probability, roughly)
Theory #1--Failure to Dogfood Appropriately: In past years, 20% or more (a total guess) of the MS employees who attended the Company Picnic did not register for the event beforehand. They just showed up. Effect: serious shortages of food and beverages one year and possible over abundance the next year. For 2006, expecting at least 15,000 attendees per day (yeah, it’s a 2-day event), the MSPicnic team decides to invest in an automated identity authentication and validation system: a fleet of shiny SmartCard readers and a backend database containing the names of pre-registered attendees. However, the handheld SmartCard readers they ordered turn out to be non-Windows devices. Uh oh. Their VP finds out. Doh! Plan B: dump the scanners and send out an email to all registered attendees, informing them that they must bring their MSBadge AND a copy of their confirmation email to the event.
Theory #2--Drive Down Attendance: MSPicnic team members are goaled on limiting attendance to this year’s event for cost efficacy reasons. (Sad, but possible?)
Theory #3--Repel Wedding Crashers: The MSPicnic team is concerned about non-employees masquerading as employees… Yes, that must be it. The Russian mafia is tired of counterfeiting US dollars and turns its attention to producing fake MS employee badges. If this theory is true, I’m sure glad MSPicnic is not a shipping product because securing the perimeter of the site where the MS Company Picnic will occur is a little like trying to secure a software product and given the inherent hackability of your print-it-out solution is scary. It's an email mung-print-social hack. Think about it. I digress.
Theory #4--It's Review Time!: The MSPicnic team is goaled on the number of emails they send out.
Theory #5--The Cost of Being a Global Business: MSLegal has determined that personal authentication and registration validation at company picnics in one or more of the jurisdictional locales represented by one or more of the possible employee attendees to the 2006 Microsoft Picnic require that two forms of verifiable identification be provided prior to entry. This law only applies to companies of 39,0000 employees or more, which produce "computerized operating systems". Despite the fact that this requirement may or may not be enforceable across international borders, MSLegal advises the MSPicnic GPM (surely there are more than one) to require every picnic attendee to provide proof of employment (company badge) and event registration (copy of email), in order to indemnify MSFT shareholders against the potentially deleterious and costly effects of a lawsuit or injunction against Microsoft or one of its wholly owned subsidiaries in places like Burma, Nicaragua, South Korea, and the EU.
Theory #6--Creating Indignant Evangelists: Building Buzz & Driving Attendance – Follow me here. How do you market (by email) to people who have been conditioned to ignore marketing emails? By appealing to the indignant sensibilities of one or "customers" like me, the MSPicnic team calculates that they can achieve a 5-10% greater "audience penetration" rate than last year. If this theory is accurate, it sorta worked. Am I “free” marketing? Hmmmm, MSPicnic registration closed a week ago. If this was your angle, folks, I'm sorry. My WOM == an empty WOM. Finally, I doubt that this theory is correct because it's not really necessary to market such a popular product.
Epilogue
A co-worker just stuck his head in the door. Nearing completion of this post, I asked, "Are you planning to attend the picnic, this weekend." Upon responding in the affirmative, I suggested he look at my post.
After reading the first line, my co-worker exclaimed incredulously, "What? They want what? I didn't know that." He continued reading. Stoic. No smile. No laughs. Not even a snort, I noted. 'Am I really that devoid of humor?' I wondered.
Finally, he threw his arms up in exhasperation and said, "What?! They want us to bring our badges too? We're just going to lose them!"
I rest my case.
